Playing under the table and dreaming.

Post break up/Closure/A-ha moment

Hopefully this post can help anyone who is hurting, healing, or moving on.

The short version of my situation: I was with a guy for a year. I’m 22, he’s 24. It started going downhill the past few months, he started treating me like **** and eventually started talking to other girls. Broke up, he begged for me back, thought things were okay. He gives me the silent treatment, we break up, and 4 days later he has a new girlfriend. He blocked me from FB and instagram and I had to find out through mutual friends. I was crushed. This guy broke my heart in every way and more than once.

But I finally got it out of him today… he fell out of love with me months ago and was too punk to admit it. I always questioned it because he was treating me terribly and you just don’t do that to someone you “love”. He always denied. Lesson here: Always follow your gut. Your instincts are called instincts for a reason.

I asked him why he couldn’t just tell me that months ago. It would’ve saved us so much trouble and fighting. And then we wouldn’t resent each other so much due to all these misunderstandings. I then told him that I am sorry he fell out of love, wish him nothing but the absolute best, and I hope that she makes him happy. I told him I forgive him and I forgive myself for my mistakes, and that hopefully he can do the same. Told him to take care.

He didn’t respond, but I know he didn’t respond because I was in the right and he probably feels like an idiot for doing what he did. It was immature, selfish, and hurtful. But, the reason I wrote this post is because I got my closure. I know a lot of the time there is no such thing as closure, but in my case there was. I am completely at peace now that I know the truth… something I always suspected anyway. Even if there is no closure, you have to learn to come to peace with the situation. I’ve also learned to stop blaming myself. I gave him everything, and I have to realize that it was SO much more than enough, even if he couldn’t see and appreciate that. One day someone will.

And also, it’s been two weeks since the breakup. They say it takes two weeks to break a habit. I’m now used to not speaking to him, not getting my good morning texts, not spending any time with him. For the most part anyway. So, for all of you out there, it does get better, you just have to believe it will.

Is this to say I’m not hurting? Well… not as much as I was. At first when I found out about the girl and how cruel he was towards me (he called me a dumb bitch… what? I didn’t even do anything) I was livid. Never been so angry. Did the past year mean nothing to him? There’s no way he cared about me if he jumped into a relationship that quick and that is just it… he doesn’t care anymore. So I let it go. It hurts somewhat, and I’m sure it will for a while. But I am at the point where I am looking at the beautiful things in the relationship. I’ve never ever loved someone as much as I loved him and I can only hope to feel that way about someone again. I fell in love with country music because of him. I wrote some of my best songs because of him and because of the breakup. I had a wonderful year filled with fun memories. I met 75% of my best friends because of him. I learned. I learned about life and love and myself. It is now part of who I have become. There are still songs I can’t listen to, places I can’t go, memories that upset me… but one day it will be okay. Slowly but surely, I will be okay.

I don’t think I love him anymore, I think I love who he used to be in the beginning when he did love me. I love how wonderful we were. I miss it terribly, I miss EVERYTHING, but there’s no sense in chasing after something already gone. The bad times sucked and I know that he’s too immature to see past those things right now… but I truly hope that one day he will. I’m pretty sure one day he will realize how great he had it. I’m choosing to cherish the good times.

It will get easier and easier every day. Now that I got my closure, I know this for sure. Why would I want to be with someone that didn’t truly love me with all their heart? No matter how many mistakes I make, I know the right person will love me for my flaws and forgive my mistakes. When I look back, I was miserable during the end and just putting up with it because I loved him so much and wanted it to work out. We were great and I miss it but I am finally at peace now and happy and hopeful for a better future. So this is a post to the brokenhearted, the healing, the hoping, and the ones trying to move on… it gets better. I promise it does. And one day, when the time is right, someone will love us more than we could have ever imagined. Until then, we have to learn to love ourselves. XO